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  • Writer's pictureAnxious Kat

Let's talk about cervical mucus over a nice glass of strawberry lemonade -- with vodka

So, I've peed on a stick almost every day to check my LH levels. Alas, it seems like the app never predicts my ovulation date correctly -- sometimes I wonder if the strips are even accurate for me. The natural next step is to try the "fail-proof" method of sticking your fingers up your vagina to check your cervical mucus.

First off, no, I'm not calling it that anymore. Cervical mucus sounds like an infection that comes out like sludge -- gross, right? So, I am going with -- lady juice! It sounds like some kind of cocktail you would order by the pool in mid-July.

I imagine it as a strawberry lemonade with a splash of vodka, slice of lemon resting at the bottom of the glass with a sugared strawberry hugging the rim of a glass. Maybe for fun, we can add some fizz to it, maybe some Fresca?

So, I've taken the plunge (pun intended) to find out if my Lady Juice is:

Dry: Strawberry lemonade with a cup of Sauvignon Blanc

Sticky: Lemonade with strawberry puree and lemon-flavored vodka

Creamy: Strawberry lemonade with coconut cream and spiced rum

Wet: Strawberry lemonade blended with ice

Raw egg white: Strawberry lemonade vodka jello shot

And now I am thirsty.

Now, my problem, which others may have, trying to understand what "sticky" is. I can honestly say that in the past month, I have seen alot of Lady Juice -- that is not mine. At first when I saw the posts that said warned there was a picture I was like "Ew, no thank you." Now, I am holding them up as reference photos and go out of my way to look for posts in forums that say "TMI picture." Hell yeah, can't wait to compare.

So, if you are trying to conceive, the internet is flooded with the following image:

So, I call bullshit. They need to stop making these drawings -- the only accurate portrayal is the last hand, the "egg white" -- also known as the jello shot for our purposes. But, if I looked at my fingers and it matched the second "slightly damp" image, I'd be VERY concerned. Like, that either signals a yeast infection or I'd be like "Holy fuck, my eggs are falling out."

Now, "sticky" is the wrong word. When I think sticky, I think of movie theatre floors, duct tape or sitting on a leather couch in July in a bathing suit with no AC. I would say a more accurate description would be "gluey" or "gummy" like when you squish a small piece of those cheap glue sticks from elementary school between your fingers.

I could go on for hours about my DISTAIN for these pictures but I have an idea. I think this VERY niche product will help women who are trying to conceive understand what kind of Lady Juice they have today. Ready? I want to call it: The Lady Juice Box.

First, it will OFCOURSE include all the drink recipes for each stage of your Lady Juice cycle. But the main event of the box will be interactive. There are a bunch of bottles, all labeled dry, sticky, creamy etc, and in them is a sample of what your cervical mucus (I know, I said it again, eww) will feel like. It is kind of reminiscent of the touch tank at the aquarium where you got to pet a variety of sea life, like starfish and stingrays, to see how they felt.

IT WON'T BE REAL LADY JUICE! That's gross, but it would be something that feels similar, think along the lines of silly putty or gelatin. And each stage should have 2 or 3 examples because there is no way everyone's "sticky" phase feels the same. We aren't all gynecologists. You can't just go up to a friend and ask, "Hey, does this feel sitcky to you?" then compare notes.

But until "The Lady Juice Box" subscription service is up and running (because come on, we should have themed drinks for every season) I am stuck looking at strangers' pictures or useless drawings that couldn't be less helpful if they tried.

Until next time, sit back, relax and find out what type of Lady Juice is on the menu today.

PS - You're welcome, I've ruined strawberry lemonade for you forever. Just means there is more for me.

*Cloth cocktail napkins are made by Little Smilemakers Studio

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