For the first time in a few days, I wearing a bra and a fairly nice top. However, I work from home currently, so they are paired with the oldest, most unflattering yoga pants which may or may not be the ones with the ripped crotch.
I cleared a 4 square foot area on the couch, making sure that whatever made it into the video conference call looked neat and clean because that is what video calls are all about, seeing how other people live.
From an onlooker, I have a fur-free navy blue couch, clean gray walls, and a large colorful painting behind me. However, this is the only clean area in the apartment. 1 inch past the viewing screen, there is the start to the patchwork pattern of cat hair. There are beat-up throw pillows that look like they have been thrown repetitively all around the apartment --because they have been. And blankets... blankets are everywhere.
So, I was in my perfect cube of space, looking as if I had on a suitable work outfit that definitely included unripped pants. Hair brushed, light make-up, check the mirror, and READY! I entered the Zoom meeting and I saw about 20 of my coworkers start to pop up. Once I had settled in, the meeting began and I started to phase out. Then... ouch.
I felt a soreness in my left breast. I am 7 DPO, everything my body feels is of the utmost importance. It felt like a squeeze that was getting squeezier by the minute. I kept feeling it build but it might just be my hyper-aware brain sensing something that's not really there. So, I did what I always did. I grabbed my left boob.
Now, when I say I grabbed my boob, I mean it in the situation that you are in the produce section of the supermarket and there is only one pink grapefruit left in the basket and there is another person eyeing it. You went to the store for a grapefruit and goddammit you were leaving with one! It's not like a huge grapefruit like, say, an Oro Blanco (refer to image below), But hey, it has potential and there are no lumps -- anyone would be so lucky to have such an average-sized grapefruit!
You grab it and give it a firm squeeze to see if it's overripe. Ok, so it's a little overripe but, hey, I'm 33, what do you want from me? Then you shift your grip, squeeze other parts to make sure it is good to take home. It doesn't matter that it's the last one, it's still good, right? RIGHT!?!
So... I squeezed the hell out of my grapefruit during a Zoom meeting, in front of 20 co-workers. I froze for about 20 seconds, my hand still clutching my breast. In slow motion, I moved my hand off my chest, avoiding sudden movements as to not draw attention to myself. Yes, I know, a bit too late for that, but there is always hope.
The presenter's voice level had not changed and everyone else on the call seemed to be either very focused or off in their own world. No one had a "what the hell is she doing" face, it's pretty distinct and easy to spot. I made it through the rest of the meeting, fighting the urges of a 16-year-old boy to give the ladies a quick squeeze.
I smiled and waved goodbye and left the meeting. I made sure to freeze my smile and wave, just in case it took longer for my video to cut out. I breathed deep, crossed my fingers, and hoped no one caught me checking the produce.
Then I squeezed my right boob.
*graphic image by Ella Byworth